A Day In The Life of a Stubbly Troll

Posts tagged ‘panic attack’

I Guess I Woke Up Anxious

Warning, I woke up anxious that morning and decided to write.  I got off topic, which is not unusual for me.  I write like I talk–I ramble.  So forewarned is forearmed.   There is some decent information in here, and a lot of rambling.  I decided to post it anyway, because it fits the criteria of my blog.  Roamings and ramblings about my life.  I am practicing, but at this moment, I CANNOT be succinct.  And it’s gotten worse the older I’ve gotten.  So, beware…….

I woke up this morning embarrassed.  That’s enough about that.  After my potty break, I went into the kitchen and got my tiny bottle of Diet Pepsi (what on *earth* made Pepsi decide to change those nice sized bottles I was drinking out of in the morning, into those pint-sized bottles?  I don’t drink more soda now, I drink less!), and went back to bed.  I turned the electric blanket on–on 1–just enough to warm up my legs, pulled the cover over my head, closed my eyes, and tried in vain to go back to sleep.  My mind wouldn’t  -shut-up-.  I tried to empty my mind by listening to my sound app on my Kindle.  I tried my deep breathing *while* listening to my sound app on my Kindle.  Nope, as you see, I am up, writing.  This is definitely not normal for me in the morning.  Usually, if I can’t go back to sleep, I pick up the story I’m reading, or one of my games I’m reading, oops, playing, and do that until I decide to drag my carcass out of bed.  My Kindle and I get a lot of alone time together, LOL.  But not this morning.  I didn’t have the willpower for that.  My willpower was gone and my mind wouldn’t shut up!  *What* was I going to do?????  I was drowning in self-pity and anxiety!!!!!  Well, in my house, kittens are always a good prescription for self-pity *and* anxiety, and as I was deciding how I was going to divvy up my blog page, anyway, I figgered this would help, too.  I can’t take my medicine til I eat, and I haven’t done that yet.

I took a journal course through ed2go.com .  They have 6 week adult ed classes including such topics as Spanish, Creative Writing, Photography, different computer classes, learn how to draw (which was a stupid class, if I do say so myself, and I do) and so much more.  I haven’t looked at the class list for a long time, so I’m not sure what all they offer now.  Depending what college you go through, the classes cost more or less.  I took my classes through Somerset Community College in Kentucky, and at the time, they were only $89.  They are probably a little more expensive by now.  They also have some more advanced computer classes that range in the $500-$600, that I think are designed for the really serious computer person with money, or companies who have person(s) they want to learn that particular skill and they are willing to spend the bucks for them to learn it.  Me?  I’d have to save to take one of the cheaper ones, now.  I want to take the poetry, or another one of the creative writing ones–I forget which.

Momma cat is sleeping on their *treadmill*.  I might explain that someday.  She is so cute when she sleeps.  A lot of the time, when she sleeps, she will bow her head, like she is praying, and cover her eyes.  Or she will do that and cross her little arms over her eyes, like she did just now.  I can only think she does it to keep the light out of her eyes.  One day I said, “Look Tinker Bell is praying.  Isn’t that sweet?”  DD in her best hateful tone of voice replied, “Mom, animals don’t pray.  They don’t have souls.  It says so in the Bible.”  She claims to be an atheist.  She is angry at God.  I may explain that some day, too.  Well, I have not read that in the Bible, but I have yet to read the whole Bible.  So, what do I know?  I do know, that as caretakers of the animals, we are tasked with CARING for the animals, not abusing them, as seems to be the norm these days.  I am a vegetarian because of animal abuse, and believe me, you will hear more on the subject as my blog blogs along!

It is gloomy out today.  It looks like rain.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am not ungrateful for the rain, I am just sick of it–literally.  All this rain and gloomy weather increases my pain and sets off my seasonal affective disorder, also known as SAD.  It’s probably part of what set off my anxiety this morning as well.  I know, I know, I couldn’t *see* that it was gloomy outside when I woke up, and all the curtains were closed when I made my morning pilgrimage, and my eyes were so puffy that who could have seen outside if they had bothered to look anyway?  (How’s *that* for a run-on sentence?)  But for those of us with pain disorders, the weather affects us whether we can see it or not, and *that* affects our mood.  And now that I think about it, I wonder if the weather has any effect on my anxiety, other than my pain?  I know it affects my depression.

Oh, what is SAD?  I’m sorry, I get to talking, and completely forget myself.  I’m not sure what percentage of people SAD affects.  But, in a nutshell, in the winter time, or in a protracted time of decreased sunshine, like our loooong rainy summer, certain people tend to get depressed.  I just did a quick scan on Wikipedia.  The theory is that SAD began way, way back in our prehistoric days when men and women were fighting sabre tooth tigers and men were dragging women around by their hair.  Well?  Isn’t that how it is in all the old movies?   So, food was scarce in the winter time and it is thought that people were forced into sort of a semi-hibernation.

Our form of it is SAD, which Wiki said ranges from app 1.4%, I believe, in Florida, to almost 10% nearing the Arctic Circle (or is Antarctic?  I *was* taught geography, and quite well, I just have dust in my brain this morning, and it’s landing on my synapses!).  Anyway, the one north of us.  Two theories are lack or melatonin, and lack of serotonin.  There was one more, but, quite frankly, I didn’t understand it.   Light treatment has been the standard treatment for it–sitting in front of a special light box–but going outside during any hint of sunshine is probably the best treatment.  MY problem is that the cold really hurts me.  I avoid the cold like the plague……

Some of the symptoms are listlessness, *anxiety* (who knew?), sleeping too much, over eating, depression.  I’m taking this information from Wikipedia.  Neither Wikipedia nor I are trained mental health professionals and any information I have written here that you think might pertain to you, you need to check out with your doctor.  SAD can mimic other mental/emotional disorders, and it is important, and I cannot stress this enough, if you have symptoms of an mental/emotional illness that are severe enough to disrupt your life, cause loved ones, friends or even casual acquaintances to worry about you, or cause you concern, please, and I cannot stress this enough, go to your doctor, tell your doctor what is troubling you, get a thorough check-up, because it could be something physical, then let the doctor tell you what to do.  If you are indigent (penniless, like my children), there are free/sliding scale clinics, that you should be able to find, that will be able to help you.

OK, done with that preaching.

Ooohh, I see a bit of sun shining.

DS has his first appointment at Comp Care today.  He really needs to go.  I hope he goes and keeps up with it.  He has what is referred to as Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Sounds so benign, doesn’t it.  His doesn’t make him a kermit–you know, one of those people who never leave their homes, and grow long white beards, and live in caves, and have a bear as a pet, and……..  He has a lot of problems.

I tried to start writing yesterday, 25 July, but I sat down at the ‘puter, and my eyes began drooping, and my head was suddenly empty–which, honestly, is not a new state for me, LOL  So this is 26 July.  It’s a work in progress, for sure.

Let’s see,  I had to stop writing Wednesday because I had to go to my neurologist.  Why?  Short story–during at least two CT scans at the local hospitals, they found something in my brain, said it needed to be followed, and if it continued to cause problems, I needed an MRI.  The problem was, no one bothered to tell *me* any of this.  I found out about it quite by accident.  No one was going to tell me about me about it.  So, my neurologist ordered an MRI.  Fun, fun, I have  claustrophobia……

Also, (stop here if you are squeamish about body parts.  This is not obscene, but some ppl are extra sensitive.  Not sure why…..), as I was saying, also, I have a yeast rash underneath my attributables.   I have always had large attributables.  Size C, at least.  When I was in high school, and riding the bus home, the boys were always sticking their grubby hands down my shirts to feel my attributables.  I carried a hat pin to protect myself, but *I* got in trouble, and had to ditch the hat pin.  The bus driver was an alcoholic, anyway, “one of the boys”. it’s a wonder we actually made it where we were going…….  My neurologist gave me an anti-fungal powder, so I am using that, and it really  hurts when I apply it.  I hope it begins to work soon.

We are not under Duck & Cover anymore.  Praise the Lord.  DD has not smoked in one week, and has been off the patch for 4 days.  She is about as pleasant as she gets.  She can be pretty pleasant, but she can be pretty snippy at times, as well.  So, good on her!  Huzzah!  Party hearty for the princess of will power.  Yippee!!!  Ticker tape and glitter.  Heartfelt happiness for my baby, and gratefulness that her lungs will begin healing.  God bless her.

I went out in the garden yesterday, to pick tomatoes.  I got about halfway up the long row when bees began swarming me!  I am normally not afraid of honey bees.  I pick squash when they are swarming in the squash, pollinating the flowers, and they never even touch me.  But, I had some body spray that I had sprayed on me at the beauty shop, when my daughter had gotten her hair cut Wednesday, before we went to my doctor.  Apparently, enough of the odor left on me so that the bees thought *I* was a flower, so they swarmed me.  It was not so bad when they stayed at the back of my head, but when they began crawling on my face, I began to panic!  I knew they wouldn’t sting me if I moved slowly, but panicked anyway.   I made it into the house by barely breathing, side-stepping slowly, trying my very best to not run and scream.  I took a shower with non-scented soap, changed into completely new clothes, and fell apart.  DD reaction was, “Oh mom, honey bees won’t sting you unless they feel like they or their babies are in danger.”     “I KNOW THAT, BUT THEY WERE SWARMING ON MY FACE!”    “There were only three of them.”  “I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY THERE WERE, BUT THEY WERE SWARMING ON MY FACE!”  She seemed non-plussed, and not at all sympathetic to my panic attack.  She is never sympathetic to my problems.  I’d might as well be living with an automaton.  But I went back in the garden, one bee checked out the back of my head, no worries mon, and that was the end of that.  I threw myself into my work, and finally calmed down.   My heart is pounding just thinking about it!